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[personal profile] eris_discordia
Honestly, I have no idea what's going on. I'm crashing and crashing and crashing over and over again. Every day is a struggle. I get these stretches of relief where I feel so great. And I have so much I want to do. I'm so motivated and so ready to enjoy life TO THE FULLEST. I'm ready to get well, pursue my dreams, which i have. And yet... what is this that keeps knocking me down? I'm just so... confused. What is happening? Why is this happening? Why can no one help me? These are the questions I think every day. And then the fear comes in. What if this never stops? What if I lose my job? What if I quit my job? What if I push people away?

I cry now writing this because I'm so incredibly frustrated by this. If this was some new thing I think I could handle it better, but when I think about it when did this start??? I blamed it on a lack of passion for cornhole for awhile. But there is more to it. There is my tummy isssue.. which i have no idea what it is.. I really don't. I know that i was having issues on a more minor level for a very long time and it got worse? I guess? Why do I have days like today where I feel just awful like i can't move or do anything at all?? Should I drink when I feel like and see if it helps?

I keep looking behind me now too and its obvious why. I'm not moving forward.. between my dad and my own health and depression issues; i can't make any progress... so I see something like the Virginia Beach major and just wish i was there having fun and miss it. The thing is.. i wanted so long to be done with it.. but mostly because i was tired.. mostly bc i couldn't make it to the work the next day. But now I see i can't seem to do that anyway! Even when i'm not doing anything. So what the fuck is that??

Yeah, is this the Benzos? There are similarities but i'm not depressed. I'm really not. I'm so excited about soooo many things and i'm dreaming and i have goals and i want to work hard at them! I'm so motivated and ready and i keep getting slapped down by this. Maybe I should just drug myself every day. I dunno... maybe i would be better off. In the worlds of Jessica Jones "Sobriety blows" . She's fucking right. The thing with me is that i don't think sobriety can work for me. Even when i was completely sober i was mostly depressed and anxious. I do believe that's just my natural state. When i started drinking i noticed it actually helped me with so many things.. with being social, building relationships, not as tired and built friendships better.. played cornhole better.. must i drink or be on drugs to be my best self? I'm serious.. must i treat my permanent symptoms or personality faults to be my best self? I'm leaning towards.. probably

But that as it is.. i think i gotta take a break and just try to clean myself up and see what happens.. I'm i think 5 days into tryiing to fix this tummy issue with the Miralax... where will i be in two weeks.. will this next week be better than this one? Also, i'm off vikeys.. haven't taken one for 10 days maybe??? is that part of my problem? not drinking as well?

Basically, i'm confused.. i'm sad.. i'm being held back... i'm losing everything I had..and I know what i want.. but i can't make progress so its just losing...

I guess patience and persistance are going to be the key here. Keep trying.... be kind to yourself.. its okay that this is happening.. its temporary.. and those dreams aren't going anywhere.. plenty of time to go for them... more good days are coming too.. i'm not out of them or anything.

And my bday party tomorrow.. yeah, i dunno.. i might cancel.. supposed to go out with Bobby too. I should.. i can drink and be social and have some fun i suppose. I do want to skip my parents house though... i mean i'm still up at 4am.... maybe i'll just be late.. let myself sleep in... i'm so sick of being forced to do things with my time.. I do have Sunday and Monday off though! so thats pretty cool... and i didn't want to play cornhole and that turned out to be the best day i've had in a long time... and the next day was weird but good also.. I dunno.. i'm so confused.. i just don't get anything at all.. i don't know whats happening at all. And i don't know what comes next... hopefully something fucking good.


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January 2017

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