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[personal profile] eris_discordia
As I sit, nervous but calm, sane but erratic, I can't help but to ponder these past few hours, days, weeks months... years even. I have dreams. I work hard. I play hard. I fight until I'm tired. Things are so clear and yet I'm so confused. Darkness and the light. It plays with me like a toy.

I can be anything. I can be brilliant and great. Tremendous. And I can be nothing. Useless and unnerving. And I'm often both; maybe not simultaneously. This hindered existence of mine.. I ask why? Why do I deserve this? But the answer to that question is almost always that it's completely irrelevant. We search for meaning in everything, but the only meaning comes from within... or from hindsight. Or from deleting facts and magnifying others. I don't know why this world exists, but I suppose I'm glad it does. Even though I'm not entirely sure I belong here.

Is this why I find micro-chasms of culture and environment to immerse myself in? Because I can't exist in these great environments? And then when I leave the bubble and I'm exposed to the elements once again, I am reminded of this fact. And I must find another quickly. Scurry into a hole like a rabbit. Before I'm crushed and unable to move.

Some say I'm evil. Arrogant... selfish. I don't think they are wrong. Some say I have a big heart and they see the empathy I feel. They are not wrong either. The truth is; I run the gambit. I am everything. I am nothing. I am hindered. Spend enough time fighting your own demons; your own twisted ideas of the world and you grow strong and weak at the same time, but also different. You grow into something no one understands. You don't quite understand yourself. But you carry on. You fake it when you have to. You find common ground; even though there is very little.

I do believe I am loved, and hated. I do believe this because I love and hate myself. And on this day, I look to the future. I see brighter days. And worse.. But I'm willing to reach out. I can be vulnerable. I can be wrecked. I always fight my way out. And is there any reason to think I can't make it there? The place I'm trying to go? I'm hindered but I'm not dead.. Not yet. Fuck my demons, and my angels too simply for knowing me too intimately. I want to remain a mystery; even to myself. I say I want to be okay, but what I really want is something extraordinary...


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January 2017

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