I am Eris Discordia

Year 2014 - Peak of Cornhole Passion
Year 2015 - The Year of Cornhole & Decline, Start of chess
Year 2016 - Dad Died, Rock Bottom, but Jenna and chess


YEAR 2015 SUMMARY - THE YEAR OF DECLINE

So this year came off of 2014 which was my peak year for cornhole. I rated it a 9 out of 10, but Year 2015 was the beginning of the end. It didn't take long. Perhaps foreshadowing the chain of events to follow was when Mike & Christine started dating in January. I think this set the stage for my eventually departure. Mike was one of my best friends; Christine was my cornhole partner and rival. Pressure built up until an eventual break in October in Denver. After that, things were never the same and with an injured oblique muscle to blame, I began pulling away from cornhole, and them, very hard, while dealing with my own depression and anxiety which seemed to make it impossible... But the cutbacks began in June, right before Worlds, my last Worlds where I won the crown the 2nd time (and Caleb won juniors!).. and in August I skipped more events, and of course I pulled away more and more in 2016 (though it was difficult and I relapsed in August 2016 a bit)

My health became very shaky over the year as well. Perhaps all the drinking? The spicy atomic wings? My emotional stability fell apart as violent outbursts occured more and more. Tension built between Christine and I, all the while, achieving incredible results in cornhole.. the best yet, and yet I was a mess, and it wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it used to be. I was burned out, but kept going anyway... the results were almost bad, bc it made me feel like.. how could I quit when I'm at the top of my game? In some ways, I'm glad I got the achievement "team of the year" with Christine before giving it up. That might be my best accomplishment (3rd in KOC is a close 2nd)... or is it Queen of cornhole twice in a row??? I did win my 2nd crown in this year.

My tummy started hurting in June.... I mentioned constipation. This becomes a really big problem as you know.

Chess entered my life rather inconspicuously in June of this year started with Chess with Friends on my phone. I joined chess.com in September and attended my first USCF rated tourney at the end of November, during a very dark time for me actually. November was basically ruined because of what happened in Denver at the end of October. I felt absolutely traumatized after that; I never felt the same way about Christine or Mike after.... perhaps that's what led to my first "retirement" which was in March 2016 I think? although the first time didn't stick.

All in all, this was the year of decline. My passion for cornhole died this year. My emotional stability eroded... and my drinking/drug problem finally started catching up with me. My interest in chess was no doubt fueled by the fact that deep down I wanted to quit cornhole, but could not.

It has been awhile since I wrote an entry. I think when I am happier I don't feel like writing as much. Actually, I know that to be true and I know that I have been happier lately. :) At the current moment, I feel two very positive emotions... EXCITEMENT and RELIEF.

Excitement... because I am taking small but concrete steps towards my dreams. Cleaning out the garage seems like such a small thing, but it IS a step towards selling my house, maybe moving out of Cleveland? Working on my resume seems like a basic thing, but its the same. It positions me better. And then my trip to Philly is next week!!! I only work Mon & Tue and then I have a free day, an amazing trip on the books!! Filled with chess, and fun things with Caleb.. exploration.. and getting to see Philadelphia in person.. see if the city is in fact calling to me. I will know when I'm there, if I belong... if this is right.

Relief... because I have rest days before and after the trip.. I had both days off this weekend... and then looking ahead... I saw something I have been longing for for years!! Weekend after weekend, of nothing planned!!! omg it feels so good! It means, I can rest and leave it open.. just pursue my goals. With that much time I could make TREMENDOUS progress! And secondly, I could fill that time with all kinds of things.. different things.. I will actually have time to make new friends, or rebuild old friendships (Ericka, Kris, Chrissie)... be there for my mom.. see my neice, nephew and sister! God, so many things. I just feel incredibly relieved to have so many weekends simply open like that. Will i fill some with chess tourneys or other things? Probably.. but i don't have to! It can just be open for now and I do think i like that the best. :)

Also, 1 last cornhole commitment.. well 3 i guess technically.. 2 league nights where I wll be a sub... and then the UC at the end of August. At this point, I doubt I will be attending but ya never know. I do have to say that while I have been pulling away from cornhole, there was a part of me that grieved so heavily about it... and missed it! And wanted to go back sometimes even. But finally I have reached a point... where I don't miss it anymore. I don't want it. I'm just completely immersed in looking forward... my goals, my dreams, and chess.... I think this is finally the end. I think I'm through the worse of it.. But it's also a beginning... and despite what is going on with my dad.. I really do feel the best is about to come :)

As I sit, nervous but calm, sane but erratic, I can't help but to ponder these past few hours, days, weeks months... years even. I have dreams. I work hard. I play hard. I fight until I'm tired. Things are so clear and yet I'm so confused. Darkness and the light. It plays with me like a toy.

I can be anything. I can be brilliant and great. Tremendous. And I can be nothing. Useless and unnerving. And I'm often both; maybe not simultaneously. This hindered existence of mine.. I ask why? Why do I deserve this? But the answer to that question is almost always that it's completely irrelevant. We search for meaning in everything, but the only meaning comes from within... or from hindsight. Or from deleting facts and magnifying others. I don't know why this world exists, but I suppose I'm glad it does. Even though I'm not entirely sure I belong here.

Is this why I find micro-chasms of culture and environment to immerse myself in? Because I can't exist in these great environments? And then when I leave the bubble and I'm exposed to the elements once again, I am reminded of this fact. And I must find another quickly. Scurry into a hole like a rabbit. Before I'm crushed and unable to move.

Some say I'm evil. Arrogant... selfish. I don't think they are wrong. Some say I have a big heart and they see the empathy I feel. They are not wrong either. The truth is; I run the gambit. I am everything. I am nothing. I am hindered. Spend enough time fighting your own demons; your own twisted ideas of the world and you grow strong and weak at the same time, but also different. You grow into something no one understands. You don't quite understand yourself. But you carry on. You fake it when you have to. You find common ground; even though there is very little.

I do believe I am loved, and hated. I do believe this because I love and hate myself. And on this day, I look to the future. I see brighter days. And worse.. But I'm willing to reach out. I can be vulnerable. I can be wrecked. I always fight my way out. And is there any reason to think I can't make it there? The place I'm trying to go? I'm hindered but I'm not dead.. Not yet. Fuck my demons, and my angels too simply for knowing me too intimately. I want to remain a mystery; even to myself. I say I want to be okay, but what I really want is something extraordinary...

Wow, I'm learning a lot about fiber and I think this will help me eat a healthier, high fiber diet (well, obviously right?? lol)

Source:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/high-fiber-foods/art-20050948

So here are some main food categories that have high fiber:
-Beans & Legumes
-Fiber cereals (grains)
-Vegetables
-Whole grain pastas, rice, breads
-Fruits

So a goal I have is to make a very simple soup very high in fiber...

SOUP IDEAS:
(1-2 veggies, beans, grains, can of tomatoes?) - that should do it!

So for example:
carrots, celery, chickpeas, barley, can of tomatoes, veggie stock?

Wow, I learned what fiber the things i eat have:
-Amy's vegetable lentil soup = 16g/can!
-Fiber cereal = 28g in 1 cup!!
-Chickpeas = 34g in 1 cup!!
-Lentils = 15g in 1 cup
-Black beans = 15g in 1 cup

Hmm I just learned that boiling chickpeas takes them from 34g in 1 cup to 12g....

CF6 (1550) v. Stacia (1251) 1-0
April 5th, 2016
(Opening)

Game Summary:
CF6 crushed me bad. I had a slight advantage out of the opening. Then CF6 trapped my bishop and I never recovered. Later I left my rook hanging. After that CF6 used its material advantage to checkmate me; harrassing my king with 2 rooks and a bishop. There was no hope; but I also lost on time.

1.) Opening
2.) Middle Game
12. e5? was my first blunder, leaving my d pawn hanging and as soon as the Queen moves I have to defend a mating attack and I lose my central pawn. Better was an aggressive knight move attack the bishop which didn't have a good place to go.... whoops!

3.) End Game

Highlights:
-Top 3 moves that caused huge change in advantage

What Can I Learn From this Game?
(wait for analysis before answering)
1.) Watch for trapped pieces!
2.) Play a little faster in the opening to help give more time in critical moments in middle game; this means accepting that my opening won't be perfect, just make it solid.

Are there any follow up tasks recommended?

Roxanne,

So I'm writing you because I think I may need your help. I've been kicking around the idea of coming back to therapy for awhile now, but I guess I didn't for the simple reason that I felt too busy already, and did not want to add another obligation to my schedule. I did drop a lot of obligations since then, however, so I suppose I do have the time and I must admit, I need your help.

I'm writing now, at 10am on a Tuesday, because I got up to go to work this morning and I was only a block away when I burst into tears. I pulled over on a side street and cried my eyes out, texted a couple friends, and then decided to turn around and go home. There were warning signs this morning. I was trying to push through but I suppose I failed. My coffee didn't work which I thought was weird; and I felt really overwhelmed when I thought about the two meetings i had at work. Both were simple and not stressful meetings; so looking back its strange that I would have been overwhelmed by them... so I guess that was a clue my anxiety was spiking. I should have taken my anxiety meds, but I don't take them in the morning generally. I don't like to. They make me sleepy for work. But I guess at least I would have made it work? Maybe?

My bursting into tears and losing it was triggered too; it was not random. A little dog was crossing the street in front of me. I had to slow not to hit it. It didn't seem to know i was coming (or care). When I looked at the little black dog closer; she reminded me of baby bear, Kayla, my mom's dog. I have a deep love for that little fuzzball as strange as that might sound. In moments of distress or high anxiety; I have often thought of baby bear to get me through it. She is the sweetest little dog you could imagine. Just full of love and so sweet. I have done this for probably ten years; thought of baby bear when I would be at the dentist; or getting a surgery; when I needed my mind off of the present... and on something else until the bad thing; the stressful thing was over; baby bear was my one happy thought. But now she's dying....

And my dad is dying... and my dad is probably the one person that loves her more than me... They are both dying.. and this puts my mom in jeapordy. My dad has stage 3 lung cancer; giving maybe a little more than a year to live; maybe less. On top of that; the cancer had caused blood clots which caused a stroke, maybe three weeks ago or so? He still cannot speak. He can understand and sort of say yes or no. He can write single words but often jumbles up the letters into nonsense. He cannot really walk or even take care of himself. His eating is getting better; but he still needs help. This is my father's fate????? Fuck.

So anyway, all this is to say that moment when I saw that little black dog... it put me in a bad place rather instantly although i think i was vulnerable to that.

But that's not even why I need your help. Fuck, I can handle real life issues. What I can't handle are the imaginary ones. The ones that allude me. Truth is, before my dad had his stroke, I was in a bad place.... playing lots of cornhole, which was fun for awhile, but i lost my passion for the game awhile ago. You won't believe this; but I actually became the two time women's world champion.. i only mention this because, as silly as that might be, it does make it harder to leave the game... i think i stayed longer than I should have really. I wasn't enjoying it really and it was causing me to drink way more than I would like. It was turning me into something I didn't want to be... All this is to say I was already in a depression before the family crisis... and I did sit down and figure out a plan... I was quite excited by it too. YOu might even say; just having the plan was pulling me out of the depression; although it turns out it was much too slow to keep me from relapsing (like today). I had one particularly bad depressive episode when i was drunk and suicidal at the same time (I don't recommend that).. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it; its just relevent that is happened.. because that caused me to leave cornhole entirely... which led to me cutting back my drinking quite a bit.. 75% maybe?

So the first part of my plan was just that... leave cornhole... get healthy... take a break and rest... get well!! And then, I wanted to position myself to sell my house; live more simply; get a new job (I'm so sick of my current one.. its stale as fuck and yet high pressure.. so that's not working for me) and honestly get the fuck out of this town. I used to dream to moving to Philadelphia back in my 20's. There was never a right time to actually do it. And to be honest, I kind of hate the fact that I never got out of Cleveland... about to be 37 now and I never left Cleveland???? I'm not the type of person to just be comfortable but i guess that's what i've done in this area of my life.. I've stayed in the same town with the same job and i'm tired for both... so I want to finally.. do what i've dreamed of. Move to Philly, maybe NYC? Get a job out there.. start over. It sounds so lovely. I have a huge list of things I would love to work on there and I have a growing interest in chess; which I think would be a great link into a community of people there. It could work. I'd be living my dream...

But now I feel trapped all over again. My family needs me.. my dad and mom need me... my sister needs me.. my sister just had a baby (i'm thrilled to have a 3 year old nephew and a 2 month old neice!) So once again.... I find there is something holding me back. I've been dealing with this ok i think.. not thinking about my plan too much and just taking things day by day.. but every so often... I collapse again like today. And I keep collapsing. And I keep missing work.. and I keep disappointing people, including myself... and I keep trying to use drugs or alcohol to make me okay.. which works! for a time... but is that what i want to be doing? No, it's not. I don't mind using it to pull me out of one bad day.. but i refuse to do it every day. And today it wasn't a viable option if i do want to draw that line; which really , i have to right?? Adding "full blown drug addict" to my list of issues doesn't seem like a step in the right direction...

So instead I have these depressive episodes.. It's funny, I'm not happy.. far from it, but I do have happy days, happy moments... and I do have times where I'm too busy to notice I'm not happy... but the truth is, it's not enough... I feel trapped, I feel like my plan is in jeapordy. I'm scared to change and I'm scared to stay the same. I guess I'm just scared, and alone, and well... I guess that brings me here to you. I need some kind of help right? some kind of guidance? Do I say fuck my family and move to Philly? Could i handle the guilt if i did that? Do i take small steps in that direction and then just see what i want to do from there? I can't stay the same... bc its not working. So I've got to do something... And I've managed to push away the suicidal thoughts for now. Today was the 2nd time they were actually reaching some sort of intensity in the last couple months. The first time was way worse, but i had been drinking.. this time, I was completely sober. I don't think its the last time... so shouldn't i do something before they beat me into submission? I don't want to die; i really don't. I just want.. to not be trapped and to find some kind of fucking happiness. A fraction of it would be fine.. (I don't think i'm capable of real happiness)... i don't need the perfect life; i just need something better than this.. something with excitement in it.. something i can be proud of.. a new chapter. Because this one is done and i feel like i'm just lingering now.. like a ghost that has failed to move on. How do I get to the next adventure? How do I not collapse on myself in the meantime?

I guess these are questions I need help with.

Part of me isn't surprised by any of this by the way. I have suffered from depression and anxiety the majority of my life. It usually comes in phases... and i'm about due to be honest. So here it is.. like fucking clockwork. I like to think that makes me more equipped for it; but when I'm in one of my episodes it sure as fuck doesn't feel like it. I feel as helpless as ever; but maybe the difference is now... figuring out preventative measures for the next one. Be ready for it. Have some sort of plan.. get back on my feet and figure out how to stay there for once....

Thank you for reading this. When we used to work together you taught me valuble skills I have carried with me until this very day. I'm sure I forgot a lot of good stuff too though. But it does mean I believe you can help me and I guess that's someplace to start right? With a glimmer of hope? A glimmer that this can be just another phase??? and that I will climb out of this hole? I keep climbing up and falling back to the bottom.. maybe you can help me to actually get out of it. God I hope so.. because truth is, I've probably been back down here for more than a year, and I guess that's the point where it starts to get too frustrating to handle. I lose my calm and my logic and just start lashing out like an animal. But I know i'm better than that. It doesn't have to be this way....

--Stacia

Stacia (1175P21) v. Roy (1255)
Parma Chess Club, March 8th, 2016
Queen's Gambit Refused: Baltic Defense

Game Summary:

Basically, in this opening Roy bring out his dark square bishop early. I should play cxd5 in this situation for a nice advantage! Still, I played well early, trapping his bishop and winning a piece early in the game. Later, I noticed I couldn't really play for my e4 pawn break (my usual plan), but all my pieces were pointed at the Queenside, so I went for an attack there doubling up my rooks on the A file. This proved very effective. Roy had a Kingside attack and pinned my g pawn to my King, but ran out of options for the attack.

There was an exchange when he ran out of attacking moves where no material was lost but my attack advanced. I then won a knight and a rook; now I was up loads of material. I never should have lost! Roy did something very smart though, he found an escape route for his king once I was dominating the 8th rank. It stopped my attack!

In the end he picked up his Kingside attack. I tried to counter with a desperate rook sacrifice which was probably a blunder. Then his threats became pretty rough. I played g3 to avoid a checkmate on g2, however, this weakened my dark squares and trapped my King. Once I got under 3 minutes I stopped notating and tried to hold on, but he picked off my queen and rook and I resigned.

So I outplayed him basically; adjusted my plan beautifully and lost due to Roy's great escape plan and his ability to have such a strong attack with just a bishop and a Queen. Then ultimately time pressure killed me. I believe it has every game with him.. something to keep in mind; but at the same time it should become less of an issue as I continue improving.


FEN:
R7/6k1/2Q1p2p/3p4/3Pb1q1/4P1P1/3B1P1P/6K1 w -

PGN:

1.d4 d5 2.c4 Bf5 3.e3 e6 4.Nf3 Nf6 5.Nc3 Bb4 6.a3 Ba5 7.Bd3 Bg4 8.Be2 O-O 9.O-O Nc6 10.Qc2 Qe7 11.b4 Bxb4 12.axb4 Nxb4 13.Qb2 Nd7 14.c5 a5 15.Bd2 Ra7 16.Ra3 Nc6 17.Rfa1 Qf6 18.Nb5 Qg6 19.Bf1 Bxf3 20.Nxa7 Nxa7 21.Rxa5 Nc6 22.Ra8 Ncb8 23.Qxb7 h6 24.c6 Nxc6 25.Qxc6 Nf6 26.Rxf8 Kh7 27.Raa8 Qg5 28.Rxf7 Bh5 29.Rxc7 Ne4 30.Bd3 Bf3 31.Bxe4 Bxe4 32.g3 Qg4 33.Rxg7 Kxg7

Okay, so I've had a pretty cornhole dominated life the last few years no doubt. It's January 2016 now and when did I start? I think September 2011 or so?? That sounds right. And I really, REALLY enjoyed it. I loved cornhole the first time I played it with my family. It was challenging and fun! I got into it right away and wanted to get better. It wasn't long and I joined a league with Chrissie. It was something new and fun and exciting. All things I treasure. It was competitive!! It has a learning curve.. there were rankings and winners and losers. It was a great find.. I knew I'd be throwing bags for a long time.

Then I found NEO Cornhole (now Cleveland Cornhole) and it was like a whole new world opened up. It was so exciting to learn there were actually cornhole "pros" and that some of them played right there. I watched in amazement as some of the best players in Cleveland battled it out. I had never seen airmails and pushes before. I studied and learned. I asked the pros to play games with me and give me tips. I wanted to get better! There was so much to learn and practice. and my desire for the game only grew. It was an exciting new world and I wanted to learn more about it and perhaps even be a part of it.

Just a year later I discovered that I was a part of it.. very much so. Everyone in the league knew me pretty much. I was making friends. I was getting more comfortable with them even though I was scared they would never accept me when I first joined. My neighbor and I actually one the bottom and middle divisions. Over time, I graduated to the top division and although I tried entering pro circuit events like the ACO regionals and the money tourneys. I would often go 0-2. But that was okay. I just made it a goal to win 1 game.. then 2... then finish top half.

I think we all know the story from here. I went on to become the best female player in Cleveland and even one of the top players in general. I think I made it to #3 in our local voted on rankings which is pretty freaking good. There was a time when the top 3 were undoubtedly Gary, Jeff and Adam and it seemed impossible to ever break that line. Well, I guess getting 3rd at worlds and getting team of the year with Christine broke me through over Gary as he faded a bit. It was exciting but none of this happened by accident. I am grateful for how good cornhole has been to me. It's been an exciting ride. I never thought I would be traveling the country, even as far as Georgia, Denver, Texas, Virginia Beach.. etc to throw bags in a hole and compete with the best in the world and have a chance at maybe even winning? or coming close?

I also never dreamed I would someday be on those ACO videos i used to watch. Never dreamed I would meet and talk to Derrick King, one of my heroes as adventured through the cornhole world. It did happen though, and it happened awhile ago. And maybe.. just maybe, it has run its course.

I still enjoy the game and I'm still good at it even. I can still win events and place well nationally on a good day. I can suck it up too no doubt, but that's always been true and its just part of the game in my opinion. There was something else too.. some of the friendships. Playing Worlds with Weiser was a dream come true for me at Turfway. We played so well together and we've won some cash together at other events as well. Eventually, Weiser wanted to focus on being tournament director and couldn't really commit to playing due to family commitments anyway. So I took Mike (Mokey) on as a partner for a time. I turned down better players to play with him in ACO. Why? I remember why. Because he was such a good friend to me. We talked every day. We texted every day. I remember he would be upset if we almost didn't text each other for one day. I know he probably wanted more than friendship with me. I guess that's something I've gotten used to over the years... disappointing people when I can't give them the more that they want.. or even need.

And that usually collapses over time and sure enough it did. Mike did end up with Christine, my rival.. but also my new partner. I remember her and I getting along well too in the old days. She didn't have an ego like she does now. I remember she wanted to make me proud of her. She wanted to make sure to do well so she could keep me as a partner and at the same time I believed in her and encouraged her. I saw her passion.. and she told me I was her inspiration (as well as her break up giving her more time to play seriously..lol) We dreamed about being the only fierce all female team in the ACO. Looking back, I think we definitely acheived that. Now that people know us and have seen us enough, I don't think its quite as magical as it was. We're just another team now.. but a damn good one.

A sad part of it though is the relationship between us. Maybe its me and maybe its her.. and maybe its her dating Mike and being part of the reason that friendship btw him and I died. Maybe its alcohol. Maybe its egos conflicting with each other.. or maybe its that delicate balance of being partners, friends and total rivals at the same time. That rivalry did drive us to get better. I have no doubt that that is what drove us to practice non-stop.. every day if thats what it took.. play everything.. ANY event Weiser could dream up and more! We were there. And I know why. I wanted to get better. I wanted to stay better. I knew she was getting better and I had to stay on my game or she would pass me up. It was a powerful motivator. and it was the same for her. She had a clear goal... to beat me. To take that crown I won. And its not that I wanted to stop her from taking the crown neccessarily.. but I couldn't let her consistantly just get better than me.. Everything I had accomplished was on the line. It felt like what I had done was special somehow. If Christine did all the same, or even more.. then that would undermine everything I had done. I couldn't allow that to happen. So i fought. Perhaps more than I should have. I gave it everything I had to stay on my game...and improve upon it.

Sadly, that fire is a distant memory. I feel glimpses of it from time to time, but I almost instantly feel overwhelmed because I know what it requires to get better at this level. It requires more than I ever gave and I can't even keep that up anymore.. and haven't for some time. I am overwhelmed.. I am tired. And my wins.. when I do win.. they just don't feel all that special or amazing anymore. I love to be the underdog.. the unknown one.. and come in with a fire and challenge even the best players.. scare the crap out of them.. or lose to them knowing I will come back for them again. Now I am in that spot. People know me and they are after me. They are improving faster and they have more passion. I am no longer the passionate one.

It's probably true that if my passion was relit somehow (unlikely) that I could improve even more.. or perhaps accomplish a lot more even at my current skill level. There would be enjoyment but not like it was. Even if I won KOC itself, I don't think it would matter so much to me anymore. and I'm not sure it ever did. It's funny but i was never after that crown. I don't look to the be the best. That's not how I operate. I look to improve. I look for progress. I want to be a better versian of what I was yesterday. I want to accomplish something new.. if being the best is the next step, that's a hard one for me because I almost don't want that. Maybe that's hard to understand for people. But I don't really care about the fame of it.. the recognition. I've always played for myself. I play to learn.. to improve.. to enjoy .. and for personal accomplishment.

And now what do I play for? Sadly, I play mostly for obligation at this point. I sitll have fun yes.. drinking makes anything fun. But before and after the events I don't really care. Life was better when I had things to look forward to. I almost dread some events.. or at least how tired I will be the best day after drinking two bottles of wine (awful). So as someone who loves to drag out painful decisions, I don't want to admit that its over and that its time to move on, but it probably is. Remember those things I mentioned earlier in this entry? How I was so excited and I wanted to learn? and a whole new exciting world opened up? Well once you spend years within that world its not exactly exctiting anymore.. its still pretty cool.. but its not new. and I don't watch good players with amazement anymore. I wish I did. Now I watch and I shrug... yeah, i could probably do that too i think to myself. It's just not inspiring like it was. and I'm not even the best... just decent.

Funny, I didn't mean to write a history of cornhole over these last 4-5 years but I suppose that's what I did. It's tough to admit when things have changed but even if cornhole just disappeared, life doesn't end there. Of course I'd miss things about it, but we already know I found my next thing. chess is everything cornhole was at the beginning. It's exciting and new.. challenging. and I have lots of improvement I could make rapidly. I sure do love that... not that I want to jump in right away though... cuz I don't. I think I could use a break. Its been tiring.. having my time dominated by one hobbie so intensely for so long.. not being able to even grab dinner with a friend or see a movie. Struggling at work bc I drank so much and stayed out so late the night before. I don't need that anymore. I just need a break.

So I don't know exactly what the future brings but I am going to ask the question... if I were to step back from cornhole...what would that look like? I should remember.. its not like i have to forever. I can always come back. If the fire came back... i could embrace it again. I could fight hard and improve all over again.. if i wanted to. Maybe even years from now if it was something i wanted. Maybe i would hit a wall in chess and decide i'd rather throw bags again simply bc i'm good at it? Then again, I think all the new talent would be hot and knock me right out of it again.. i can't be a new player ever again. I left my mark.. which is good.. but not so good if i'm looking to start over. It woudln't be the same.

So here's what I'm thinking. There is one first step I can take and that is to skip league next session. No doubt this will scare some people.. including me, but I can do that. The commitment of playing every single Monday is a bit much for me and it makes it hard to play chess tourneys Tuesdays, which I do enjoy I won't lie. I like to have the option. So what if I finish the season and then take a break, what would that look like? Looks like March 14th is the final day for winter session. Wow.. that is about 6-7 weeks.. a long time, but I guess that gives me time to get used to the idea. Is there anything else i can do in the meantime? I think 1-2 times a week will be fine and if Mondays are one.. then I only want one other day... then I can practice if I really want to (I might really need it)..

It does look like there is one big event every weekend... Jan 31st - team tourney... then a weekend off.. i'll take it... then UC Major! then ACO regional... then blind draw (that's optional).. then UC regional (optional)

I guess I'm kind of thinking if I were going to slow down spring is the time right? If I am going to worlds and playing in those big events i think it might be a good idea to slow down in spring... let myself yearn for cornhole a little.. I might fall out of practice but I have to believe i can get it back too. When April 1st comes around.. I could start playing again.. or later even.. getting ready for a major or even Worlds. Maybe it won't feel like such an obligation. But I do have the issue of so many big events in the summer. ACL, UC and ACO??? I know for a fact I don't want to spend all my vacation days on stuff like that. and I'm not sure i have the energy to work it out etiher.. so I do have time to figure those things out. Maybe I attend 2 out of 3? Maybe I attend... 1? Maybe I say screw it, although letting down Christine isn't something I want to do.. although I'd be free to skip singles and womens so there are options. I'll let that sit for now. No need for a concrete decision. Stick to the plan....its simply really.

Play 1-2 times a week .. that's fine! don't feel obligated to play more.
And skip Spring session.
AND no other new obligations. if really juice money tourneys come up then fine.. hmm I think i did agree to the Cabin fever tourney.. whooops lol... yeah, gotta stop doing that.

Next entry: Should be... what would I do with my time if I had no cornhole at all? I think that's a great question bc I do feel like there are so many things. Simply, I think it would be

1.) hang with Ericka
2.) have Caleb visit
3.) maybe a trip to Austria?
4.) get back in shape.. bike trips, running, spin class??? etc
5.) work on my appearance and clothing.. professional and personal
6.) work on my personal goals!!
7.) get more into chess
8.) play video games
9.) eat out.. try restaurants!!
10.) do rock climbing maybe
11.) see my niece and nephew and sister more?
12.) rest more
13.) do better at work? figure out how to like my job again? build relationships?? experiment wiht it.
14.) enter the dating world.. maybe even make new friends.. could be exciting.
15.) gardening agian
16.) cooking again!
17.) maybe go vegetarian again even???
18.) rowing? join something new??

So there you go.. that's off the top of my head even. :) I'll try do some of those things this spring even.

Sicilian Defense Classical Variation
6. Bg5 - Richter-Rauzer Variation (14,295)
6. e6, 7. Qd2 Traditional (10,581)
7. a6 8. O-O-O Neo Modern, Early Deviations (7,000)
8. Bd7 (3,700)
9. f4
9. b5 10. Bxf6 gxf6
11. Kb1 Qb6
12. Nxc6 (225) Bxc6
12. Nce2 (93)

11. Nxc6
9. Be7
9. h6 (571)
9. f3
8. h6 (2,500)


7. Be7 8. O-O-O O-O Classical (3,000)
9. f4 (1,276)


9. Nb3 (600) Qb6 10. f3
10. Rd8 (290)
10. a6 (178)

6. Bc4 - Sozin, not Scheveningen (7,533)
6. Be2 - Classical (4,332)

Well I got back from the trip to Columbus this weekend. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my fire for cornhole seems to be gone. I just don't really care. I don't care about practicing or getting better or even winning things. I didn't get nervous before the Scoonie tourney and I just didn't care that much when we lost. Normally it would make me a little upset but I was kind of glad not to play anymore. I did have fun playing Keith after so I guess I was somewhat into it.

I'm nervous about where this will lead me though. I'm clearly drifting away lately and I've instead been way more into chess. I think a chess tourney sounds better than a cornhole tourney! I mean, I've enjoyed a lot of benefits from being good at cornhole and I know that on this path I will get passed up probably by Christine but maybe many others as well. Then again, I don't need to engage myself to cornhole every day forever. Maybe its best to not worry about it and just do what I want. Its possible the fire could come back. The things I've always liked about cornhole are still there; aside from the closeness I felt with Christine and Mike. But Weiser and others are still involved; esp Caleb. It would help if he was closer, but he isn't.

Chess is starting to become relaly interesting though. Who knows if that will keep up though. I could attend my first tourney or hit a wall and not be able to improve and then it might not be as interesting. But for now I really like it! I wish I could play all the time. :)

So I guess we'll see what happens. But I can say that I'm not interested in traveling as much anymore. And chasing points seems pointless. I guess I'll just take this one day at a time and figure it out from there. Bc right now if I had the choice I would just strongly prefer to distance myself a bit and do some other things. If I lose tourneys I really don't care.. but would I miss the money? the people? the competition? I have no idea. Hopefully yes, bc right now its not looking good for my cornhole future.