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eris_discordiaHello LJ,
I know it's been awhile since I've updated. I've been updating actually, just privately. It helps me get my head together, and well, when you write for yourself it's liberating and can even calm you. I guess I've been in a place where I need that.
In all honestly, I'm not unhappy with my life right now. I'm unhappy with ONE ASPECT of my life and that is my relationship with Chrissie. It's like the relationship died in December and we've been trying to resuscitate a dead carcass since then. Guess what. We haven't had any luck.
I've always had the problem of letting go, but I can't say I've had a girlfriend this bad at at the same time. The result? A pretty miserable first few months of 2011, in terms of the relationship. I can't say it doesn't hurt me terribly, because it does. I just got down breaking down again downstairs. The worst part of this has been the signs of hope, and then the hope being pulled out from under me again like a small rug. I'm fine when I'm on that rug, but take it away and I'm going to fall down again.
I will also say, Chrissie hasn't wanted to break up. She has been proposing a "break" from living together. She has fallen in a rut and doesn't know how to get out. Truth be told, it's not just the issues in our relationship that plague her. Most or even all aspects of her life have been stressed for some time now and it wore her down until something snapped. That's the only way I can describe it. Since that snap, she's been a different person. Her empathy for me is gone, though she says she still loves me. It feels different though, and not in a good way.
So the weird part about all this is I never saw it coming. I mean, hindsight is twenty twenty, so I look back and go.. OHHHHHHHH now that I think about it she was sleeping a lot, and never did anything, and was generally depressed. How did I not notice this??? But I guess I know why. Because last year was a great year for ME. And I took my being happy all the time, for meaning that our relationship was in good standing too and that Chrissie would be experiencing similar happiness. But that just wasn't the case. It was just me. And I can honestly say, that I'm still in a happy place. My life is in tact enough that it can bear the weight of a very heavy and taxing stressed relationship with my girlfriend. I'm happy about that at least. I'm not a rock bottom. I'm not hopeless. I'm even confident in my ability to move on if it comes to that. But truth be told, I'd rather things work out. It's just that, figuring out of that's really an option or not is the hard part, especially when there is so much at stake. I mean, you know we bought a house together right? That was in October, and then BAMMM... the shit hit the fan in mid-December. It's really too bad.
So the latest on this situation is that a few times we agreed to try and make some changes and that kind of thing and repeatedly I seem to think things are getting better, and Chrissie will even say things are getting better, and then next thing I know she'll be looking for an apartment again. When this happens it feels like someone is stabbing an open wound and there goes the carpet, and I feel like a fool for being blind AGAIN. But I would say it's not really my fault for believing in us and believing that things are going to be okay. Despite her toying with the idea of moving out and taking a break, Chrissie does all the things you would expect from a lover. She texts me and calls me constantly. She kissies me. She cuddles me. She tells me she loves me several times a day. She buys me things from the store when I need it or picks up dinner so we can eat together and we even fuck. In fact, my sex drive has been down for a long time, and it's had the effect of making Chrissie very hungry for sex.
The whole situation is fascinating and horrible. I'm not one for limbo zones but I feel like that's what the last few months have been in terms of Chrissie. Everything is in limbo. I'm the type of person to want all or nothing. I don't do lukewarm very well. I'm not happy with lukewarm. So my emotions are all over the place desperately needing her one minute and being so angry I want to just throw her out the next. And the worst part about this is that I have very little control over this situation. We both own the house. I can't make her move out. I can only ask, and I have asked in my stronger moments and she basically says yes, and nothing happens, or she just flat out says no... YOU MOVE if you don't want to be around me. *sigh*
So I feel pretty screwed and the best thing to do is, I've decided, is stop doing lover type things with her, because there's nothing like a good cuddle to make me feel like everything is okay again, but it's clearly NOT.. and until it is.. i don't want to kid myself. But this requires being strong and resisting the urge and keeping my boundaries. I don't know if i'll be able to do this, but I decided it yesterday and I'm going to sure try. I've also asked her to make up her freaking mind already and do something, because this limbo state that has perpetuated since mid-December has been wayyyy too long, and something needs to change. So she said she'll decide by tomorrow. I've heard this before though. I'll be shocked and relieved if she moves out at this point, although, if I have to start paying for the mortgage on my own, I'm going to be a bit strapped which will suck. But hey, there's no point fighting ocean waves right? If this is where life is taking me I might as well just roll with it.
I've definitely learned that control is a myth when it comes to your life. You can make your plans. You can do your best to make things turn out a certain way, but it doesn't mean it will. We are all subject to what the universe wants. What will happen will happen. And it won't necessarily be right or fair by any means either. Good people die. Bad people are rewarded. This is the world we live in. Every day we roll the dice. I just do my best to improve my odds. After that, it's whatever.
So wow, I needed to get that out. Moving on....
This extended winter is getting me down lately. I am so excited for Spring and Summer I can hardly wait, but I thought I'd be out on bike by now. I thought we'd have 50's at least. Maybe 60's. But I guess that was dumb of me. March is always cold in Cleveland. We always get snow in March even. I can remember one time it snowed in MAY. I've never been affected by seasons like this, but I guess now that I'm a biker, gardener, runner and basically love the outdoors, the seasons have a much more profound effect on my life and the activities I take part in.
Regardless of what happens with Chrissie though.. I know this. I love my job. I LOVE my friends. I love biking and gardening. I love cornhole and plan to join the league again. I love my family. My finances are sounds and even good. I LOVE my house and plan to invest more and more into making this my home. And I'm a more confident, assertive, active, capable and responsible person than ever in my life. I'm totally doing great, outside of that relationship with Chrissie, and I've got close friends to lean on when I need to. So I'm far from alone and far from depressed.
I'm really looking forward to having another awesome summer like last year and hopefully taking a trip to Cali, and growing turnips in Slavic Village, and green beans at home. I'm going to bike like I've never biked.. doing a century ride first and then hopefully a big ride to DC. Even Pittsburgh to DC would totally rock. I'm going to run and ride and take nice walks... keep off the weight I lost and stay active as hell. Be fit. Love myself. I'm going to continue this new style I have going because it's soo much more me and I swear I just feel a hell of a lot better about myself. And well, if Chrissie ultimately leaves I'll make new friends and maybe even do some light dating and see how that goes. Everything will be okay.
So there you go. If anyone reads all this let me know, because I will be impressed. lol
I know it's been awhile since I've updated. I've been updating actually, just privately. It helps me get my head together, and well, when you write for yourself it's liberating and can even calm you. I guess I've been in a place where I need that.
In all honestly, I'm not unhappy with my life right now. I'm unhappy with ONE ASPECT of my life and that is my relationship with Chrissie. It's like the relationship died in December and we've been trying to resuscitate a dead carcass since then. Guess what. We haven't had any luck.
I've always had the problem of letting go, but I can't say I've had a girlfriend this bad at at the same time. The result? A pretty miserable first few months of 2011, in terms of the relationship. I can't say it doesn't hurt me terribly, because it does. I just got down breaking down again downstairs. The worst part of this has been the signs of hope, and then the hope being pulled out from under me again like a small rug. I'm fine when I'm on that rug, but take it away and I'm going to fall down again.
I will also say, Chrissie hasn't wanted to break up. She has been proposing a "break" from living together. She has fallen in a rut and doesn't know how to get out. Truth be told, it's not just the issues in our relationship that plague her. Most or even all aspects of her life have been stressed for some time now and it wore her down until something snapped. That's the only way I can describe it. Since that snap, she's been a different person. Her empathy for me is gone, though she says she still loves me. It feels different though, and not in a good way.
So the weird part about all this is I never saw it coming. I mean, hindsight is twenty twenty, so I look back and go.. OHHHHHHHH now that I think about it she was sleeping a lot, and never did anything, and was generally depressed. How did I not notice this??? But I guess I know why. Because last year was a great year for ME. And I took my being happy all the time, for meaning that our relationship was in good standing too and that Chrissie would be experiencing similar happiness. But that just wasn't the case. It was just me. And I can honestly say, that I'm still in a happy place. My life is in tact enough that it can bear the weight of a very heavy and taxing stressed relationship with my girlfriend. I'm happy about that at least. I'm not a rock bottom. I'm not hopeless. I'm even confident in my ability to move on if it comes to that. But truth be told, I'd rather things work out. It's just that, figuring out of that's really an option or not is the hard part, especially when there is so much at stake. I mean, you know we bought a house together right? That was in October, and then BAMMM... the shit hit the fan in mid-December. It's really too bad.
So the latest on this situation is that a few times we agreed to try and make some changes and that kind of thing and repeatedly I seem to think things are getting better, and Chrissie will even say things are getting better, and then next thing I know she'll be looking for an apartment again. When this happens it feels like someone is stabbing an open wound and there goes the carpet, and I feel like a fool for being blind AGAIN. But I would say it's not really my fault for believing in us and believing that things are going to be okay. Despite her toying with the idea of moving out and taking a break, Chrissie does all the things you would expect from a lover. She texts me and calls me constantly. She kissies me. She cuddles me. She tells me she loves me several times a day. She buys me things from the store when I need it or picks up dinner so we can eat together and we even fuck. In fact, my sex drive has been down for a long time, and it's had the effect of making Chrissie very hungry for sex.
The whole situation is fascinating and horrible. I'm not one for limbo zones but I feel like that's what the last few months have been in terms of Chrissie. Everything is in limbo. I'm the type of person to want all or nothing. I don't do lukewarm very well. I'm not happy with lukewarm. So my emotions are all over the place desperately needing her one minute and being so angry I want to just throw her out the next. And the worst part about this is that I have very little control over this situation. We both own the house. I can't make her move out. I can only ask, and I have asked in my stronger moments and she basically says yes, and nothing happens, or she just flat out says no... YOU MOVE if you don't want to be around me. *sigh*
So I feel pretty screwed and the best thing to do is, I've decided, is stop doing lover type things with her, because there's nothing like a good cuddle to make me feel like everything is okay again, but it's clearly NOT.. and until it is.. i don't want to kid myself. But this requires being strong and resisting the urge and keeping my boundaries. I don't know if i'll be able to do this, but I decided it yesterday and I'm going to sure try. I've also asked her to make up her freaking mind already and do something, because this limbo state that has perpetuated since mid-December has been wayyyy too long, and something needs to change. So she said she'll decide by tomorrow. I've heard this before though. I'll be shocked and relieved if she moves out at this point, although, if I have to start paying for the mortgage on my own, I'm going to be a bit strapped which will suck. But hey, there's no point fighting ocean waves right? If this is where life is taking me I might as well just roll with it.
I've definitely learned that control is a myth when it comes to your life. You can make your plans. You can do your best to make things turn out a certain way, but it doesn't mean it will. We are all subject to what the universe wants. What will happen will happen. And it won't necessarily be right or fair by any means either. Good people die. Bad people are rewarded. This is the world we live in. Every day we roll the dice. I just do my best to improve my odds. After that, it's whatever.
So wow, I needed to get that out. Moving on....
This extended winter is getting me down lately. I am so excited for Spring and Summer I can hardly wait, but I thought I'd be out on bike by now. I thought we'd have 50's at least. Maybe 60's. But I guess that was dumb of me. March is always cold in Cleveland. We always get snow in March even. I can remember one time it snowed in MAY. I've never been affected by seasons like this, but I guess now that I'm a biker, gardener, runner and basically love the outdoors, the seasons have a much more profound effect on my life and the activities I take part in.
Regardless of what happens with Chrissie though.. I know this. I love my job. I LOVE my friends. I love biking and gardening. I love cornhole and plan to join the league again. I love my family. My finances are sounds and even good. I LOVE my house and plan to invest more and more into making this my home. And I'm a more confident, assertive, active, capable and responsible person than ever in my life. I'm totally doing great, outside of that relationship with Chrissie, and I've got close friends to lean on when I need to. So I'm far from alone and far from depressed.
I'm really looking forward to having another awesome summer like last year and hopefully taking a trip to Cali, and growing turnips in Slavic Village, and green beans at home. I'm going to bike like I've never biked.. doing a century ride first and then hopefully a big ride to DC. Even Pittsburgh to DC would totally rock. I'm going to run and ride and take nice walks... keep off the weight I lost and stay active as hell. Be fit. Love myself. I'm going to continue this new style I have going because it's soo much more me and I swear I just feel a hell of a lot better about myself. And well, if Chrissie ultimately leaves I'll make new friends and maybe even do some light dating and see how that goes. Everything will be okay.
So there you go. If anyone reads all this let me know, because I will be impressed. lol
