I am Eris Discordia

Roxanne,

So I'm writing you because I think I may need your help. I've been kicking around the idea of coming back to therapy for awhile now, but I guess I didn't for the simple reason that I felt too busy already, and did not want to add another obligation to my schedule. I did drop a lot of obligations since then, however, so I suppose I do have the time and I must admit, I need your help.

I'm writing now, at 10am on a Tuesday, because I got up to go to work this morning and I was only a block away when I burst into tears. I pulled over on a side street and cried my eyes out, texted a couple friends, and then decided to turn around and go home. There were warning signs this morning. I was trying to push through but I suppose I failed. My coffee didn't work which I thought was weird; and I felt really overwhelmed when I thought about the two meetings i had at work. Both were simple and not stressful meetings; so looking back its strange that I would have been overwhelmed by them... so I guess that was a clue my anxiety was spiking. I should have taken my anxiety meds, but I don't take them in the morning generally. I don't like to. They make me sleepy for work. But I guess at least I would have made it work? Maybe?

My bursting into tears and losing it was triggered too; it was not random. A little dog was crossing the street in front of me. I had to slow not to hit it. It didn't seem to know i was coming (or care). When I looked at the little black dog closer; she reminded me of baby bear, Kayla, my mom's dog. I have a deep love for that little fuzzball as strange as that might sound. In moments of distress or high anxiety; I have often thought of baby bear to get me through it. She is the sweetest little dog you could imagine. Just full of love and so sweet. I have done this for probably ten years; thought of baby bear when I would be at the dentist; or getting a surgery; when I needed my mind off of the present... and on something else until the bad thing; the stressful thing was over; baby bear was my one happy thought. But now she's dying....

And my dad is dying... and my dad is probably the one person that loves her more than me... They are both dying.. and this puts my mom in jeapordy. My dad has stage 3 lung cancer; giving maybe a little more than a year to live; maybe less. On top of that; the cancer had caused blood clots which caused a stroke, maybe three weeks ago or so? He still cannot speak. He can understand and sort of say yes or no. He can write single words but often jumbles up the letters into nonsense. He cannot really walk or even take care of himself. His eating is getting better; but he still needs help. This is my father's fate????? Fuck.

So anyway, all this is to say that moment when I saw that little black dog... it put me in a bad place rather instantly although i think i was vulnerable to that.

But that's not even why I need your help. Fuck, I can handle real life issues. What I can't handle are the imaginary ones. The ones that allude me. Truth is, before my dad had his stroke, I was in a bad place.... playing lots of cornhole, which was fun for awhile, but i lost my passion for the game awhile ago. You won't believe this; but I actually became the two time women's world champion.. i only mention this because, as silly as that might be, it does make it harder to leave the game... i think i stayed longer than I should have really. I wasn't enjoying it really and it was causing me to drink way more than I would like. It was turning me into something I didn't want to be... All this is to say I was already in a depression before the family crisis... and I did sit down and figure out a plan... I was quite excited by it too. YOu might even say; just having the plan was pulling me out of the depression; although it turns out it was much too slow to keep me from relapsing (like today). I had one particularly bad depressive episode when i was drunk and suicidal at the same time (I don't recommend that).. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it; its just relevent that is happened.. because that caused me to leave cornhole entirely... which led to me cutting back my drinking quite a bit.. 75% maybe?

So the first part of my plan was just that... leave cornhole... get healthy... take a break and rest... get well!! And then, I wanted to position myself to sell my house; live more simply; get a new job (I'm so sick of my current one.. its stale as fuck and yet high pressure.. so that's not working for me) and honestly get the fuck out of this town. I used to dream to moving to Philadelphia back in my 20's. There was never a right time to actually do it. And to be honest, I kind of hate the fact that I never got out of Cleveland... about to be 37 now and I never left Cleveland???? I'm not the type of person to just be comfortable but i guess that's what i've done in this area of my life.. I've stayed in the same town with the same job and i'm tired for both... so I want to finally.. do what i've dreamed of. Move to Philly, maybe NYC? Get a job out there.. start over. It sounds so lovely. I have a huge list of things I would love to work on there and I have a growing interest in chess; which I think would be a great link into a community of people there. It could work. I'd be living my dream...

But now I feel trapped all over again. My family needs me.. my dad and mom need me... my sister needs me.. my sister just had a baby (i'm thrilled to have a 3 year old nephew and a 2 month old neice!) So once again.... I find there is something holding me back. I've been dealing with this ok i think.. not thinking about my plan too much and just taking things day by day.. but every so often... I collapse again like today. And I keep collapsing. And I keep missing work.. and I keep disappointing people, including myself... and I keep trying to use drugs or alcohol to make me okay.. which works! for a time... but is that what i want to be doing? No, it's not. I don't mind using it to pull me out of one bad day.. but i refuse to do it every day. And today it wasn't a viable option if i do want to draw that line; which really , i have to right?? Adding "full blown drug addict" to my list of issues doesn't seem like a step in the right direction...

So instead I have these depressive episodes.. It's funny, I'm not happy.. far from it, but I do have happy days, happy moments... and I do have times where I'm too busy to notice I'm not happy... but the truth is, it's not enough... I feel trapped, I feel like my plan is in jeapordy. I'm scared to change and I'm scared to stay the same. I guess I'm just scared, and alone, and well... I guess that brings me here to you. I need some kind of help right? some kind of guidance? Do I say fuck my family and move to Philly? Could i handle the guilt if i did that? Do i take small steps in that direction and then just see what i want to do from there? I can't stay the same... bc its not working. So I've got to do something... And I've managed to push away the suicidal thoughts for now. Today was the 2nd time they were actually reaching some sort of intensity in the last couple months. The first time was way worse, but i had been drinking.. this time, I was completely sober. I don't think its the last time... so shouldn't i do something before they beat me into submission? I don't want to die; i really don't. I just want.. to not be trapped and to find some kind of fucking happiness. A fraction of it would be fine.. (I don't think i'm capable of real happiness)... i don't need the perfect life; i just need something better than this.. something with excitement in it.. something i can be proud of.. a new chapter. Because this one is done and i feel like i'm just lingering now.. like a ghost that has failed to move on. How do I get to the next adventure? How do I not collapse on myself in the meantime?

I guess these are questions I need help with.

Part of me isn't surprised by any of this by the way. I have suffered from depression and anxiety the majority of my life. It usually comes in phases... and i'm about due to be honest. So here it is.. like fucking clockwork. I like to think that makes me more equipped for it; but when I'm in one of my episodes it sure as fuck doesn't feel like it. I feel as helpless as ever; but maybe the difference is now... figuring out preventative measures for the next one. Be ready for it. Have some sort of plan.. get back on my feet and figure out how to stay there for once....

Thank you for reading this. When we used to work together you taught me valuble skills I have carried with me until this very day. I'm sure I forgot a lot of good stuff too though. But it does mean I believe you can help me and I guess that's someplace to start right? With a glimmer of hope? A glimmer that this can be just another phase??? and that I will climb out of this hole? I keep climbing up and falling back to the bottom.. maybe you can help me to actually get out of it. God I hope so.. because truth is, I've probably been back down here for more than a year, and I guess that's the point where it starts to get too frustrating to handle. I lose my calm and my logic and just start lashing out like an animal. But I know i'm better than that. It doesn't have to be this way....

--Stacia

Well, I suppose I should take a moment to contemplate my life at this moment. My life feels... like not my life right now. It was just so much fun, bags, fun, biking, fun, zelda, yardwork.. and whatever for so long.. mostly bags.. and it mostly went very well! But these past couple months have been so crazy.. starting with my injured finger. I swear there was something else too I can't recall.. maybe it was just the fact that I threw so terrible in front of so many people at Queen of Cornhole. I mean, it was humiliating and stressful.. i'm not going to lie. And worse was that I felt forced into the situation. I did not want to play on my finger and hurt it worse. I wanted to rest it.. more than anything.. but what choice did I have? Who doesn't show up for the finals? Surely that would have been even worse.. but God.. that's not even... I didn't even set out to talk about that, though obviously it still weighs heavy on me.

No I wanted to talk about how I ended up in the fucking ER the other day. And now my dad just called and I'm crying because I'm going go to watch my grandma die of a fucking stroke.. i might have had a stroke too.. a mini one of course. I don't know. FUck it all.. I'm not sure what to say. i'll write about my fascinating but scary as hell experience later. I lost my brain function for 2 hours. I spent the ride to the ER trying to remember and speak Chrissie's familiar name. I needed to know her name. I needed to say it... and when I finally did and she confirmed that it was her name.. it felt foreign.. i felt no comfort.. i felt worse because it felt all wrong. My brain couldn't interpret the word.

Anyways, I have to go.. that's all I've got for the moment...

So I just realized this past month, things have finally came alive again. My life is alive again, filled with activity and outdoor hobbies. My relationship with Chrissie feels halfway alive again, AND on top of that I've met a new friend which I'm totally excited about, my anxiety is down, my energy is up and I dare say.. I'm actually happy? Holy crap.

Chrissie and I barely survived the last 6 months. They were rough. And I knew that it was either A.) The end of us, or B.) A painful restart.

As Housing Director of Slavic Village Development, allow me to describe this in terms of a house. If you build a house on a bad foundation, what you are going to end up with is a crappy house that over time, is going to need some serious freaking work. You might want to just demolish the thing and build a new house somewhere else, or you could bite the bullet and jack up the house and rebuild a whole new foundation, and then carefully place the house back on it's now solid foundation, done right. So you probably get it. We've been doing that over the last 6 months. The old foundation was codependency and the result was an unstable house that over time, was falling apart big time. Even though it was very beautiful, it just wasn't good on the old foundation. So now the house is on jacks, and we are rebuilding that foundation using healthy friendship, fun, independence, mutual support, AND the love that was always there from the start.

Will this work? I have no idea, but it sure seems like we are headed in the right direction. I think the tough part was actually separating the house from the foundation. It just felt horrible and scary and impossible to figure out what was going to happen next and if everything would be okay. It was heartache, pure and simple. It felt more wretched than a break up. I mean, it kinda was a break up. Everything changed, and needed to change, and now that it's changed, I think we're adjusting and in a position to move forward.

I feel like I've owed any of my remaining friends on LJ or DW or whatever an update on that for a long while, so there you go. =)

So that being said, my god June has been wonderful. I thought the torment might last forever! And as much as I love anger swirling in the air and cringing my teeth in an attempt to not break things, I like this a little better. The cornhole league has been super fun. The garden is super fun. Biking is super fun. I'm accomplishing things. I'm working on the house. I'm making more friends. I'm building existing friendships. I'm busy. I'm healthy. Life is just really good and reminding me of last year now, which was also really good.. probably the best year of my life in a long time.

So that's where I'm at, and yes I have a new friend who is super cool. I met her when Chrissie and I were at a low point, and I'm really glad I did. She's a scientist and a marathan runner, and gay, of course. =) I like homos, what can I say? And I haven't clicked with someone like this in a long time. It's a great feeling, and I can tell we both want to hang out as much as we can. We also have so much in common that there's TONS for us to do together and talk about. It's a beautiful thing, and she's making being independent come easy for me. My hope was that I could find a new friend to help fill up those nights that I would spend alone and sad while Chrissie was out with her new friend Monica. Well, I accomplished that first try. She's AWESOME.

Plus, to be honest, I don't mind Chrissie being a little nervous (not too much) about it. I think she takes me for granted sometimes.

So yes, life is a wonderful thing. I was going to write about my weekend, which was pretty freaking cool, but I suppose this is sufficient for an entry. =)